From my previous postings, you might conclude that I'm depressed and to a certain extent, suicidal. I won't deny nor approve of that assumption. Because I WAS suicidal a couple of years ago and attempted it once. But I'm still here today. By choice? I don't know. And I have to admit that I do toy with idea of ending it all at times. Do you know it takes a lot of courage to take one's life?

So I am a coward.. can't end it all... but can't continue with life either. What are you doing to change things? A friend asked. At this point of time, I can only garner enough energy (the little that is left) to take one day at a time.

All I know is I love singing and want to pursue a career in it. It's all I have left. So I won't let anyone take that away from me. And don't YOU dare take that away from me! I do thank you for discovering my talent. I do thank you for shaping me in my performance. But I hate the fact that it's you who have been my motivation to continue singing. That it's you who have been my inspiration to take on the stage and sing my heart out. And now that you are not that for me, I'm hollow. All I sing are sad songs because I can only feel unhappiness.

Because of you, I've learnt the art of crying without tears... I can now sob without shedding any tears... And I'll cry and cry till I gasp for air.. but all without tears.

I haven't written because I don't know what is my take on life anymore. At times I do wonder why do I go on? I still question... Yet no answer.

Numb. Hollow. Empty. That's how I am now. I don't feel anymore. Yet I fake a smile, a laugh.. everyday. Just so people around me, who care about me, don't have to worry about me. But that tires me out. I'm tired of being cautious about what I say and/or do just because I don't want them to worry about me. That is probably why I have stopped talking about how I feel inside.

"Only you can find your own happiness..." But how do I find it if I don't even know how it feels like?! I must have felt it before? Maybe but I don't remember. Yes, it's been that long.

I died the day she pulled the plug. My already grey world turned even gloomier. Even a black and white movie breathes more life. I cannot begin to describe the pain I felt then. A stab on the already wounded heart? I gradually bled my emotions away... leaving me lifeless now.